Tears I Cried
by Hagane
Summary: When a youkai attack leaves Sanzo in a fragile state, a certain Goddess decides to toy around with his mind, and his memories. [SxH,SxG,SxGj]
1. awaken

Tears I Cried 

By Hagane

-o0o-

**_Sometimes, you need a wake-up call before you come to your senses. _**

**_But sometimes, you need more than that. Sometimes, you're already awake._**

****

            "Sanzo!"

            "Sanzo, behind you!"

            "Oi bouzo!"

            A slice, a sudden swift movement and there stood the cocky redhead, smirking down at him.

            "You gotta keep your eyes open ya know. 'Coz I won't always be there to save your ass." He drawled.

            "Che." Sanzo glared in return. He turned away.

            "Sanzo, daijoubu?" Hakkai had rushed over, blasting away several demons with his chi. 

            The blonde nodded. The world was spinning. He could barely stand his ground. But there was no way in hell he'd let them know. 

            "Goku!" Hakkai cried out in warning, as more demons appeared, to replace those killed.

            "Che. Damn monkey can't even handle a fight on his own. Hakkai…." Burning red eyes met calm green ones. "get the bouzo away." 

            And he leapt right into the middle of the tempest.

            Hakkai turned to the bleeding monk. "Sanzo you're hurt."

            Violet eyes glared at him contemptuously. "I'm fine."

            "Sanzo…."

            A tree came crashing down somewhere nearby. 

            "Hakkai!" came Gojyo's warning cry.

            "Sumimaseng!" he called out in reply. "Come on Sanzo, I've got to get you to safety." He took hold of the other's arm and held it firmly. Sanzo's glare intensified and he tried to pull his arm away.

            "Sanzo, please." Hakkai's eyes were pleading, "Now is NOT the time to be stubborn."

            Eyes sparkling in fury, he regarded the brunette indignantly. His gaze was met straight on. The other did not turn away. Sighing resignedly to himself, Sanzo allowed himself to be led away.

            "Gojyo! On your left!" Goku yelled, while striking a youkai down with his Nyoibo and kicking another at the same time.

            "Shut up baka saru! You've got more after your hide than I do!" came the slightly disgruntled reply. 

            "What's that supposed to mean?!!!!" Another swipe, and two more demons were extinguished.

            "Go figure!"

            "Stupid ero kappa!"

            "Look who's talking!"

            "Me?" was the confused reply.

            Gojyo sniggered as he sliced his Shakujo through several trees to kill the demon creeping up behind Goku.

            "I could have killed him myself!"

            "Sure."

            "Stupid ero kappa!"

            "Shut up and fight baka saru!"

            "Kappa!"

            "Baka saru!"

            "KAPPA!"

            "Baka saru!"

            "Kap-where's Sanzo? And Hakkai?"

            "Baka sa- huh?" Gojyo blinked at the abrupt shift in topic. "He went to take Sanzo someplace safe."

            "Why? Is he hurt?"

            "Something like that."

            "Oh." 

            _'Something like that, huh?' _he thought, a slight smile playing on his lips. 

            "Sanzo, daijoubu?" Over a cloudy haze, Sanzo could just make out Hakkai's face creased with worry.

            "Uhh." He nodded, wincing slightly as his world threatened to swirl.

            "Where does it hurt?" 

            "I'm fine."

            "Sanzo…."

            Sanzo tried his best to glare, but only succeeded in burning a hole through his own head. Everything hurt.

            "Sanzo…" Hakkai's quite voice repeated, "Where does it hurt?"

            "I…." Sanzo tried to focus but his mind was getting hazy and it hurt to think. It hurt to do anything. "..I don't know."

            "That should be the last of them!" announced Gojyo as he slashed the last remaining youkai through his midsection. 

            "That's all?" the boy's voice held a trace of disappointment.

            "What, you didn't have enough?"

            "Uhh…"

            "Baka saru. Let's go."

            "To find Sanzo?"

            "Yeah." 

            Hakkai stared at the pale form before him. He felt useless, helpless, worthless. The man was obviously in pain and there was nothing he could do. "Sanzo, gomenasai…" he whispered, taking hold of one delicate hand gently. The skin was hot, burning intensely, but he held it still. To feel the pain, no matter how little…….it was the least he could do as he waited for the others to come.

            "Hakkai!" Goku's bright, chirpy voice cut through the silence.

            Hakkai looked up, startled. "Goku?"

            "Hakkai, you're all right! What…." His voice trailed and he continued, his voice softer this time, "what happened to Sanzo?"

            Hakkai glanced at the man he was almost cradling. The face was blank, peaceful even, but the skin was still burning hot. His heartbeat was irregular, as was his breathing. 

            "Sanzo, he's…..he's….."

            "Sleeping right? Sanzo's sleeping 'cos he's tired. Ne, Hakkai?" Goku cocked his head to one side charmingly.

            Hakkai felt the empty smile light up his features again. He didn't want to lie to the child. He didn't want to give him false hope. 

            "Yes Goku. Sanzo's just tired, that's all."

            "Gojyo," Hakkai whispered as the man appeared later, his hair glistening wet in the moonlight.

            "How's the bouzo?" was the equally soft reply.

            "He's…." Sanzo stirred slightly in his arms, "he's hurt."

            "Have you healed him?"

            "I….no…I don't know how to." Hakkai looked down, pointedly avoiding his eyes.

            "Why not? Haven't you always been able to….well, heal him?"

            "Iya….not this time.." the brunette felt his chest constrict as he was forced to voice his helplessness. It made the reality of it even more painful.

            "Why….why the hell not?" Gojyo's voice was confused, bewildered, and slightly worried.

            "He can't tell me for certain, where it hurts."

            Hakkai glanced at the sleeping young Goku.

            "Gojyo…."

            The other glanced up at him. 

            "You aren't sleeping?" Hakkai asked him gently.

            "With the baka saru snoring like that, who can?"

            "Well…usually you don't complain."

            "You're forgetting it's not a usual circumstance here."

            "True." Hakkai glanced down at the blonde. "Sanzo……"

            Gojyo shifted slightly. "Hakkai….do you… do you.. want me to take care of him awhile?" He quickly tried to explain himself as the other gazed at him questioningly. "I mean… you haven't cleaned yourself up from all the blood…."

            Hakkai glanced down in surprise, noticing the dirty state he was in for the first time. "So I haven't…." he said, almost in wonder.

            Gojyo managed a wry smile. "So, do you want me to take care of the bouzo while you clean yourself up?"

            "It's, it's all right. I think…I think Sanzo's more important than cleaning up." And the way it seemed to Gojyo, he gathered Sanzo to himself almost jealously. 

            _'Where the fuck am I?' Sanzo demanded angrily. Everything around him was pitch black. 'I can't see a damn thing!' _

_            'Konzen…..'_

_            Sanzo froze at the voice. _

_            'Konzen…..'_

_            'Who the hell are you?' he yelled into the darkness._

_            His question was met with silence. Sanzo cursed angrily._

_            'Konzen….'_

_            That voice again. It was definitely pissing him off._

_            'Do you want to know who you are?'_

_            Sanzo snorted in derision. 'I know who I am. I asked who the fuck are you?"_

_            'Who are you?'_

_            'That's what I asked asshole.'_

_            A soft chuckle, then, 'You never change Konzen.'_

_            'My name's Sanzo. Get that into your stupid head at least.'_

_            'Well, Sanzo…..who ARE you?'_

She giggled girlishly as she watched him slowly tense up. He had always been fun to tease, and now was no exception. 

            "Kanzeon Bosatsu…. Are you sure about this? We aren't allowed to interfere in these matters are we?" Jiroshin asked worriedly.

            "Oh, loosen up a little." Her eyes twinkled mischievously. "I'm the Goddess of Mercy. I can do what I like."

            In her mind, she could just make out a certain blonde's reply, _'Don't praise yourself just because nobody wants to.' _

            And she chuckled at the memory.

            Gojyo watched as Hakkai stroked Sanzo's soft silky hair tenderly. He watched the soft, tender expression on his face as he held the blonde in his arms. He noticed the way his beautiful green eyes lit up when he thought Sanzo was going to wake, and noted how it burned with sadness when he realized it wasn't going to happen. Gojyo watched everything.

            "Hakkai……" the brunette didn't hear him. "Hakkai…." He repeated, louder this time.

            "Do you think he's okay?" he asked softly.

            Gojyo shook his head. "I…..don't know."

            _'I told you, I'm Sanzo. Bastard.' He spat angrily._

_            'But who ARE you, Sanzo?'_

_            'I am……I am…..' Sanzo fumbled for an answer, 'I am me….and that's enough.'_

_            'Enough? Enough for whom?'_

_            'For myself.'_

_            'What about the others?'_

_            'Why the hell would I care what they think?'_

_            'Don't you?'_

_            'I don't.'_

_            Silence._

_            'Do you want to know, Sanzo?'_

_            'I know enough to know you're a bastard.'_

_            A chuckle._

_            'I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Konzen, you'll never change.'_

_            'Fuck you. I told you my name is Sanzo.'_

_            'Sanzo….Konzen…. what's the difference? They're just names.'_

_            'Bastard, asshole…they're all yours.'_

_            Another chuckle._

_            'You're a lively one, Konzen.'_

_            'Sanzo.'_

_            'Konzen.'_

_            'Sanzo, asshole.'_

_            'Konzen Douji…..'_

_            Sanzo snorted. 'I should have realized that stupid people will never learn.'_

_            'And you will?'_

_            'None of your goddamn business.'_

_            'Funny, hearing you condemn your own kind.'_

_            Sanzo cursed. 'What the FUCK are you talking about?'_

Sanzo coughed.

            Hakkai's eyes went wide and he shook the man gently. "Sanzo?"

            Gojyo snapped to attention. He had been twirling a twig idly as he watched the blonde. 

            "Sanzo?" Hakkai's voice sounded so hopeful.

            The man coughed again, his entire body shaking with the force of it. Hakkai held him tight. 

            Slowly, those eyelids opened….. and violet irises peered out from behind.

            "Sanzo!" Hakkai exclaimed. "You're finally awake!"

            A coughing fit. And he tried to sit up by himself.

            "Oi…bouzo…." Gojyo ventured. 

            Violet eyes met crimson ones.

            "You okay?"

            No reply.

            And, noticed Gojyo, did Sanzo just flinch?


	2. sacrifice

Tears I Cried

By Hagane

Chapter 2

-o0o-

In order to live, sometimes we have to die. 

**_In order to give, we have to sacrifice._**

            He was weak, that much was certain. Hakkai frowned as he watched the blonde man struggle to walk next to him. Despite Sanzo's obvious effort to appear steady, he wasn't fooled. Every step he took pained him. Every movement drained his energy. He wanted to reach out, to hold him up, to help him. But the man was adamant about making it alone. Hakkai sighed. Sanzo could be **so **stubborn sometimes. 

            "Damn the monk," muttered Gojyo, under his breath, "why is he so bloody stubborn?"

            Hakkai forced a smile. "Well, at least we know he's all right."

            "Yeah. Stiff and stubborn. That's the monk all right." Gojyo rolled his eyes. 

            Hakkai chuckled bitterly. 

            "Ne Sanzo, daijoubu?" asked a very concerned Goku.

            The monk grunted. "I'm fine."

            "Aa…hontou?" the young boy pressed.

            Sanzo shot him a glare. "I told you I'm f---" he lost his balance and toppled forward.

            "Sanzo!" Goku caught him just as his nose was about to kiss the ground. 

            Sanzo pushed the boy away and tried to stand up by himself. But his legs gave way and he fell to his knees.

            "Sanzo….." Goku's eyes were reproving and he placed his hands on his hips in consternation. "You're too weak to walk. Come on, I'll piggy-back you!" he smiled.

            "Get away from me you stupid saru!" Sanzo snapped as he was lifted onto the other's back.

            "Now Sanzo-sama," drawled Gojyo from behind them, "the saru's only trying to help. Give him some credit."

            "Help my ass." Grumbled a very annoyed, and sleepy Sanzo. "I can walk by myself."

            "I'm sure you can Sanzo, but just let Goku help you this time ne?" Hakkai smiled at him, eyes pleading for the monk to concede.

            Sanzo grunted and looked away.

            "Arigatou…Sanzo…" whispered Hakkai.

            "Kanzeon Bosatsu……are you sure this is in accordance with Heaven's rules?" asked a very worried Jiroushin.

            "Of course it is……" yawned a very bored Goddess of Mercy.

            "Demo……" began the man.

            "Relax. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a little fun is there?" she cut him off.

            "Kanzeon Bosatsu! Is **this** your idea of fun?" exclaimed an extremely shocked officer.

            She raised an eyebrow at him. "Is there something wrong with that?"

            "I…Iya….demo…..are you certain there's nothing wrong with what you're doing?"

            "Of course." She laughed, and waved her hand dismissively.

            _'And even if it isn't……there's nothing anyone can do about it now…..ne, Konzen?' _

            The sun was beating down on them mercilessly. For the _n_th time that day, Goku whined.

            "Harahetta……..Sanzo~~" he whined pathetically.

            "Urusai baka saru," Gojyo said lazily, "it's already hot enough without you opening your noisy trap." He was sprawled in the back of Hakuryuu, fanning himself lazily with a stolen page off Sanzo's newspaper. 

            "What did you say ero kappa?" 

            "I said- -"

            "Maa maa….both of you….calm down…." Hakkai's divine intervention came to the rescue once again. 

            "Demo Hakkai! The kappa started it!" Goku pointed a finger at Gojyo accusingly.

            "Who started whining first? Baaa~~ka."

            "KAPPA!"

            "Baka."

            "KAPPA!"

            "Baka baka."

            "KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA!!!!!" yelled Goku excitedly.

            Silence.

            "It's so quiet. Today's so quiet…ne Hakkai? Why is it quiet?" asked the innocent, leaning forward to peer at the driver.

            "Eto….." Hakkai glanced at him through the rearview mirror. Wide, innocent brown eyes sparkled back at him. He chuckled. "Maybe it's because Sanzo is asleep?" his eyes turned to the man next to him.

            "Sou daa! Sanzo's asleep! Ne Hakkai….." he lowered his voice and when Hakkai turned to face him, he had a very solemn expression on his face. "Why is Sanzo sleeping so much now? He's been asleep since…." He held up his fingers and counted.

            "Two days ago, baka saru." Gojyo mercifully came to his rescue. "You're so dumb you can't even count." Or not.

            "Why you ero kappa!" cried an outraged Goku.

            "Shhhh….tone it down you two….you might wake Sanzo," warned Hakkai, throwing a worried glance at his sleeping companion.

            "Why you ero kappa!" whispered Goku, heeding the warning.

            "What's that you say? I can't hear you." Gojyo mocked, cocking his head.

            "Why you ero kappa!" hissed Goku, a bit louder this time.

            "Still can't hear you~~~" taunted Gojyo in a sing-song voice.

            "Stupid horny water demon with cockroach hairstyle and meat bun face!" yelled Goku finally, unable to control himself.

            "Why you cheeky little------" 

            Both froze as Sanzo stirred. 

            _'Do you……'_

_            'I know I know, do I want to know who I really am right?' Sanzo grumbled._

_            'Well, yes….'_

_            'Idiot.'_

_            'I HEARD that.'_

_            Sanzo vociferated a string of flowery curses. _

_            'Your vocabulary has obviously improved,' commented the irritating voice, impressed._

_            Sanzo grunted noncommittally._

_            'What the hell do you want with me? Why can't you just leave me alone? Go bother someone else. I'm too busy for all this shit.'_

_            'Busy? What with?'_

_            'None of your fucking business asshole.'_

_            'You're only on a journey to the west….what's so busy about that?'_

_            'YOU tell me. I have three stupid idiots traveling with me.'_

_            'Idiots, but your friends nevertheless.'_

_            'Who ever said they were my friends? We just travel together.'_

_            A chuckle._

_            'You've always been the loner, Konzen. And I've always wondered…Why? Why remain on your own when there are so many willing to love you?'_

_            'Because……because…..' he shook his head violently as the memory of his master flooded his mind._

Sanzo stirred. 

            The two of them froze, hearts pounding violently in the confines of their ribcage. 

            He continued to snooze on, oblivious to the panic he'd created.

            "Damn bouzo…." Gojyo mused, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards.

            "Maa…Sanzo made us worried for nothing!" complained Goku, falling back in his seat with relief.

            Hakkai chuckled.

            _'Do you know, Sanzo? Do you know how we worry for you?'_

            "Kouryu…..the river drifter….." Koumyou Sanzo beamed down at him, his beautiful smile in place.

_            "Hai…." Sanzo looked down and away, embarrassed to meet the gaze of this pure soul._

_            "Such cruel things, children are," he continued, watching the young boy before him._

_            Sanzo shifted uncomfortably. "Oshou-sama…"_

_            "Be strong, Genjo Sanzo."_

_            Sanzo looked up. "Oshou-sama?"_

_            "Be strong." And he had turned his head away, a sad smile playing on his lips. Sanzo hadn't understood what he'd meant, then. Why should he be strong? Wasn't he already strong enough?_

_            It didn't take him too long to realize his meaning._

_            "Oshou-sama……" the horror was evident in his voice. He watched as his master's life slipped away before him. There was nothing he could do to save him. Nothing. He stood, his arms hanging numbly at his side, as the rain pelted down on the bloody mess before him. _

_            He stood, his arms hanging uselessly at his side, as they spoke to him._

_            He stood, his arms hanging helplessly at his side, as he said his final goodbye._

_            Through it all, he watched with a painful detachment, as his master abandoned him._

_            And then he was alone._

            They saw him as his master's murderer. They hadn't spoken, but no words needed to be said as he watched the guarded suspicion in their eyes. He heard their silent questions.

_            Why had his master chosen him? **Him**, Kouryu, the river drifter. Why was **he** the new High Priest? _

_            Why did the demons attack only after **he** had been raised to his new responsibility?_

_            It seemed suspicious, even to himself._

_            'I killed him,' he thought angrily. 'It wasn't the demons. It was me.'_

            'Konzen…..' the voice was gentle, sympathetic.

_            'Urusai.'_

_            Silence._

_            Then, 'Konzen…..'_

_            'Urusai. Leave me alone.'_

_            'Konzen…'_

_            'URUSAI!' he searched frantically for his gun, for his harisen, for anything, anything to take his mind away from the madness._

_            'Konzen, you can't run away forever.'_

_            'URUSAI! I don't know who the fuck you are and I don't take orders from a faceless piece of shit!'_

_            'Would you listen to me then if I showed myself?' asked the voice quietly._

_            Sanzo hesitated. He forced himself calm. _

_            A deep breath and, 'No.'_

_            'I guessed enough.' The faceless voice sighed. 'Advice isn't always easy to take, but you have to listen at least. Or you won't know if it's good for you.'_

_            'I told you I don't take advice. From **anyone**. Especially not from you.'_

_            'You're so stubborn.'_

_            'So what if I am?' he challenged defiantly._

_            'It doesn't matter to me if you are, Konzen. I'm not the one who gets hurt. You are.'_

_            'Liar.' He hissed furiously._

_            'Say what you want, you know I'm right.'_

_            'LIAR.' His eyes flashed. The pain in his head was unbelievable. He tried to shut out his mind from the memories. The painful memories. And that voice. He didn't want to hear that voice anymore._

_            'Konzen……'_

_            He screamed inwardly, trying to drown out the voice with his own._

_            '….you can't run away forever, Konzen.'_

_            Why wouldn't the voice just shut up and leave him alone?_

_            'URUSAI!!!!' he screamed into the suffocating darkness._

_            '…….you can't.'_

__


End file.
